Get what you want in a more healthy and effective way. The “DEAR MAN” skills are utilized when a person wants to ask for something, say “no”, maintain a position/view, or achieve some other interpersonal objective. The skills include:
When describing there are a number of things to keep in mind, including to: briefly describe the situation you are reacting to, stick strictly to the facts, do not use judgmental statements, and be as objective as possible.
These are the things to remember when expressing: express clearly how you feel or what you believe about a situation, do not expect the other person to read your mind or know how you feel, and by sharing your personal reactions to the situation, you are making it easier for the other person to figure out what you really want from the interaction.
When being assertive remember to keep these things in mind: ask for what you want, say “no” clearly, do not expect people to know what you want from them if you do not tell them, and do not beat around the bush by never really asking for what you want or saying “no”.
When reinforcing remember: to identify something positive or rewarding that would happen for the other person if they give the response you are looking for, to take time to consider the other person’s perspective and draw connections between what you are asking for and what they need or want, and that connecting your request to consequences that other people desire will make them more likely to agree with what you are asking for.
Remember to stay mindful of your objectives in the situation, to maintain your position, and to avoid being distracted onto another topic. Distractions often come in the form of attacks, diversions, or threats.
You can appear confident by: using a confident tone of voice, displaying a confident physical manner/posture, and using appropriate eye contact. Try not to stammer, whisper, stare at the floor, retreat, or use unsure language.
When negotiating: be willing to give to get, be willing to reduce your request, maintain your “no” but offer to do something else or to solve the problem another way.
We have all experienced a time when we either wanted something or did not want to do something. It can often be uncomfortable, or even intimidating to express that to people. When we are in active addiction this becomes even more difficult because we typically will not be in the right mind to consider the skills necessary for doing so effectively. By remaining sober and incorporating the DEAR MAN skills into your relationships, you can get what you want in a more healthy and effective way, and in turn, increase your ability to maintain healthy relationships! Today You Can incorporate these skills and begin to improve and maintain healthy relationships!