Asking for things and saying “no” can often be difficult. Today we will examine the factors to consider when it comes to the level of intensity at which you should ask for something or say “no” to a person’s request. The factors to consider include:
- Capability (your own or the other person’s capability to deliver the desired outcome)
- Increase the intensity of asking if the other person has what you want
- Increase the intensity of saying “no” if you cannot give what the other person wants
- Your priorities
- Increase the intensity of asking or saying no when an objective is very important to you
- When getting an objective interferes with a relationship and/or your self-respect, the intensity should be lowered to the degree in which the relationship/self-respect are important
- Self-Respect
- Increase the intensity of asking if you usually do things for yourself and are normally careful to avoid acting helpless
- Increase the intensity of saying “no” if saying “no” will not result in feeling bad about yourself
- Rights (yours and the other person’s)
- Increase the intensity of asking if the other person is required by law or moral code to give you what you want
- Increase the intensity of saying “no” if you are not required by law or morals to give the other person what they want
- Authority
- Increase the intensity of asking if you are responsible for directing the other person or telling them what to do
- Increase the intensity of saying “no” if the other person does not have authority over you or if what the other person is asking is not within their authority
- Relationships
- Increase the intensity of asking if what you want is appropriate for the current relationship
- Increase the intensity of saying “no” if what the other person wants from you is not important to your current relationship
- Long-term versus short-term goals
- Increase the intensity of asking if being submissive may result in peace now, but will create problems later on
- Increase the intensity of saying “no” if giving in will give you short-term peace, but hinder the long-term relationship you desire
- Reciprocity
- Increase the intensity of asking if you have done at least as much for the other person as you are requesting and you are willing to give if the other person says yes
- Increase the intensity of saying “no” if you do not owe the other person a favor or if the other person does not usually reciprocate
- Homework (research on what you are asking for or saying “no” to)
- Increase the intensity of asking if you know all the facts necessary to support a request and both the goal and request are clear
- Increase the intensity of saying “no” if the other person’s request is not clear or you are not sure what you would be saying “yes” to
- Timeliness
- Increase the intensity of asking if this is a good time to ask (if the other person is in the mood for listening and paying attention, they are more likely to say yes to a request
- Increase the intensity of saying “no” if this is not a bad time for you to say “no”
Being able to communicate our needs and express that we do not want to do something are two very crucial aspects related to our ability to remain sober. By utilizing the Interpersonal effectiveness skill “how intensely to ask or say ‘no’” we will be better able to do these things and remain sober. Today you can effectively ask for things and say “no” to requests. Today you can increase your ability to maintain healthy relationships!
(Photo by Peggy Anke on Unsplash)